October 21, 2014
I totally bought Ezra the wrong Transformer for his birthday. He wanted Prowl, the Autobot, Battle Masters edition; for some reason this translated in my brain to Strafe, the Technobot, Construct-Bots edition.
I still have no idea what at least seven or eight of those words mean. Lesson learned, though: Strafe is blue, while Prowl is yellow. But not like, Bumblebee yellow. Also, Battle Masters don't actually transform into anything, which, okay, I give up, these toys are stupid.
Luckily, my mom has this birthday thing down and knows to just send them money rather than attempt to decode whatever Extreme Robot Ninja Lizard With Super Clutch Fisting Action Power the boys are rambling on about. So we ordered the correct (NON-TRANSFORMING) Transformer (WTF) and it arrived and is apparently so flipping awesome a fight broke out over it before I'd even gotten it out of the package.
(Which to be fair, probably took me 20 minutes, because the toy was literally roped to the box in about 15 different places and then the box was coated in about three layers of packing tape just for good measure. HELLO ADULT AND YOUR CLUMSY MEATHANDS. I AM HERE TO MAKE YOU FEEL IMPOTENT WITH RAGE. ALSO, I BET I REQUIRE BATTERIES THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE. BEEP BEEP BOOP, ASSHOLE.)
I took the kids to a pumpkin patch and bought each of them a pumpkin. Which they all refuse to let me display in any way, but instead insist on keeping the pumpkins in their rooms, IN THEIR BEDS. So they can sleep next to them, and pet them and read them bedtime stories.
It's decorative gourd season, motherfuckers, and it's super duper weird.
Speaking of the fall season and its related accessories/holidays, this is the first year that I got absolutely zero say in any of my children's costumes. I knew Ike probably wouldn't let me go for another obscure hairz-related costume like Doc Brown again, but I thought I had a decent chance of selling him on being Thor, at least.
Nope. He's going to be a goddamn Ninja Turtle like every other child on earth, including Noah. Which Ninja Turtles are they going to be? WHO KNOWS. WHO CARES. The blue one and the red one, I think. I don't know. They'll both be wearing masks the whole time which means I will probably end up trick-or-treating with someone else's kid by accident at least once or twice.
I opted to not order the plastic weapon accessories for the turtle costumes, thinking this would spare me some agony and eyeball injuries, but in reality it just means Noah and Ike find makeshift weapons around the house, like pointy sticks and heavy, skull-crushing handweights. Good job, Mom!
Ezra is going as Optimus Prime. The fact that it's a technially supposed to be robot costume, but is still padded in the arms and chest to mimic human musculature suggests that the kids' costume industry really isn't even trying anymore.
I've also had to repair all three costumes already, since the boys keep putting them on over their pajamas at night and trying to sleep with them on. So the pumpkins in their beds feel seasonally appropriate, I suppose.