February 03, 2016
1) Before the school year begins, let each child pick out their very own alarm clock for them to completely ignore every single morning. Having three different alarm tones blaring is a surefire way to make sure you never oversleep and can start shouting at your unconscious children right on time.
2) If a child doesn't have any clean shirts in his closet, it's best to dig one out from the bottom of the hamper to make sure it wasn't worn recently enough for anyone to notice.
3) Teach older children basic breakfast preparation skills, both for themselves and their siblings, for maximum screaming when older child goes on a cereal-withholding power trip.
4) Bros before Hoes and Coffee before I Make Anybody Eggs.
5) Pack lunches the night before. Keep lunchboxes in the fridge for optimal frantic grabbing at the last possible minute.
6) If you plan to send in anything special that needs to be heated up or prepped in the morning, make sure your children have back-up money in a school lunch account, because YOU KNOW you gonna forget that shit and send them to school with like, a juice box and some pretzels.
7) Have dedicated, labeled spaces in your home for shoes, boots, coats, backpacks, hats, gloves, homework folders, musical instruments and any sort of form that needs a parent signature. Spread these spaces out across the house and divide by lots of stairs for a quick daily cardio workout.
8) Up the number of calories burned with some simmering hot rage/school bus panic because NOTHING is EVER where it is SUPPOSED TO BE, and WHY ISN'T ANYTHING PACKED WHY IS YOUR HOMEWORK IN THE BATHROOM NO I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE GAHHHHHH.
9) Keep a pen close to the front door so you can sign whatever permission slip your child forgot to give you the night before, or the week before, and also learn to write checks really, really quickly and to not ask many questions.
10) Consider having a second child for bus route purposes. Odds are better than one kid will get his shit together on time and can keep the bus from driving off while the other one straggles from the house with his coat half on and his backpack unzipped.
11) While shopping, let small children have plenty of input on items like shoes, hats, coats, etc. This allows for better self-expression and bigger forehead veins when they completely refuse to wear any of it.
12) Take a moment in the car to go through the day's mental checklist to make sure you didn't forget your preschooler's lunch/classroom snack/craft supply/tuition check. Try to take this moment before you actually pull into the school's parking lot.
Congratulations! Everybody made it to school more or less intact and prepared. Go drink some more coffee.